You may avoid confrontation because you imagine it will go poorly or lead to a full-blown fight, but this doesn’t have to be the case. You can express disagreement calmly and respectfully, to address an issue without starting a fight. Conflict avoidance may result from how you perceive conflict in relationships. For instance, if you believe that all conflict is harmful or will lead to the breakdown of your relationship, you are more likely to avoid it. People with this conflict management style are typically pleasers who fear upsetting others and want to be liked. Being aware of how your emotions impact you can help you gain a greater understanding of yourself and others.
- Healthy couples are able to disagree respectfully, work through problems together, and emerge stronger on the other side.
- If you’re avoiding conflict in relationships, it may be because this is a habit or learned behavior.
- However, some people avoid conflict at all costs — even when the conflict is necessary.
- Tensions may rise because the partner dismisses and ignores a person’s opinions and feelings if they differ.
- Conflicts in a relationship don’t have to turn into down-and-out fights.
Conflict Resolution Tips
This blog post will explore what conflict avoidance is, why you do it, and the consequences of doing so. Perhaps you have fears over how your partner will react if you bring up an issue, or maybe you have anxiety over feeling vulnerable in front of someone else. Developing a better understanding of why you are hesitant to bring up an issue within your relationship may help you better express yourself to your partner, leading to more impactful conversations. A 2018 study revealed that direct confrontation for severe problems is most beneficial for couples in relationships where both partners are able to change. Research suggests that an individual’s implicit theory of relationships (ITR) was a meaningful mediator in determining the strength of one’s commitment to a relationship (Knee et al., 2004). Accordingly, some maintain a theory of growth, the perspective that relationships develop gradually over time and that problem resolution inherently leads to a greater connection and a growing relationship.
Practice setting boundaries
Airing your grievances can be productive for your relationship, but conflicts must be skillfully managed or you run the risk of making them worse. For example, this man might say, “I get irritated when you claim I’m flirting with someone during an innocent conversation.” These tactics are direct, but don’t impugn your partner’s character. Dr. Daniel Amen, a physician, psychiatrist, and founder of Amen Clinics, wrote, “whenever you give in to another person to avoid a fight, you give away a little bit of your power and begin to resent the relationship. Avoiding conflict in the short run often has devastating effects in the long-term. If you believe that all conflict is harmful or will harm your relationship, you are more likely to avoid it.
The consequences of conflict avoidance
John Gottman, a prominent psychologist known for his extensive research on marriage and relationships, explains, “couples simply have different styles of conflict. Some avoid fights at all costs, some fight a lot, how to deal with someone who avoids conflict and some are able to talk out difference and find a compromise without ever raising their voices. No one style is necessarily better than the other—as long as the style works for both people. Couples can run into trouble if one partner always wants to talk out a conflict while the other just wants to watch playoffs” (Gottman & Silver, 1999). Research suggests that conflict resolution style has an even bigger impact on the strength and longevity of a relationship than the kind of conflicts or frequency of conflict. In other words, how you fight matters more than how often you fight or what you fight about.
However, as he cultivated greater self-awareness, confidence, and resilience to be more authentic–with himself and his partner–he experienced a sense of empowerment and a more fulfilling and deeper connection with Jean. 9 Finkel, E. J., Slotter, E. B., Luchies, L. B., Walton, G. M., & Gross, J. J. A brief intervention to promote conflict reappraisal preserves marital quality over time. Honest and fair communication relies on patience, calmness, and “I” statements.
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Effective communication is perhaps the most important skill for addressing conflict and stress in a relationship. If you are having a hard time developing this skill, or if the conflict in your relationship is extreme, couples counseling might be useful. Research has found that in couples where one partner habitually suppressed anger, both partners tended to die younger. On the other hand, acknowledging and effectively resolving conflict can be a pathway to greater understanding between two people, bringing them closer. There are different types of conflict that can affect relationships.
Tips to Address Commitment Challenges When Caused by Conflict Avoidance
For people who have a fear of confrontation in relationships, what they are fearful of is big emotions. You’ll have better conflict resolution skills and be able to speak up so that your desires are left unfulfilled. You’ll no longer have to silence yourself or experience anxiety and fear of confrontation.
Potential long-term impacts of being raised in a home full of arguments and tension
If you’re looking for a mental health professional to work with but aren’t sure where to start, ask your primary care doctor for a referral. Avoiding conflict to “keep the peace” prevents us from being fully present and makes us ghosts in our own relationships. Over time, avoiding conflict creates loneliness, bitterness, anger and contempt in us while creating confusion, isolation, frustration, and disengagement from partners. Good conflict is how two or more people exist in a relationship as separate people. Conflicted relationships can be a source of stress and can undermine social connections. Over time, such relationship conflict can take a toll on your mental and physical health.
- Research suggests that conflict resolution style has an even bigger impact on the strength and longevity of a relationship than the kind of conflicts or frequency of conflict.
- When anger is suppressed or unacknowledged by partners or family members, it can actually be unhealthy.
- Aside from our work life, avoiding conflict can manifest in our romantic relationships, friendships, and even family dynamics.
- But in pleasing others, you’re less likely to get your needs met; it just teaches self-neglect.
- But if things start to look like conflict, your immediate reaction is to either get out of the situation or somehow change it so that it’s more peaceful, rather than seeing the fight through.
Consider This Real-World Scenario to Figure Out Your Conflict Resolution Style
Leaving conflicts unresolved leads to pent-up frustration and a greater sense of loneliness that can build up over time. Instead of trying to sedate emotions like anger, sadness, or fear, try looking at them through the lens of self-compassion, and allowing yourself to see your negative thoughts with empathy. It’s also about ensuring that problematic issues (like the one with your co-worker) are dealt with so they don’t happen again in the future. Disagreeing with someone doesn’t necessarily mean “fighting.” Keep in mind that it’s not about blaming the other person or proving who’s right and wrong in a given situation. People who respond to conflict this way often expect negative outcomes and find it difficult to trust the other person’s reaction. We believe your happiness is worth it, so we make it easy to begin your journey.